Dragon Ball Z book 1 The Return Of Radiz
by alexis500
Summary: Goku finds out he is an alien and he has in older brother name Radiz who is a sayan and he has a tail like Goku use to have. Why have he came to Earth?


DISCLAIMER: The following is a nonprofit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Draongball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei animation and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.

[Cliche beautiful morning music]

[Raditz's pod falls into a field]

Farmer: OH GOD NO. MY MARIJUANA PATCH. I mean, er, my carrot patch. Yeah. [thinking]Yeah, I better do what any sensible American would do in this situation: get my gun.

[pod opens]

Pod: Hello and welcome to Earth. With open bar.

Raditz: [gets out]

Farmer: HOLY CRAP IT'S SONIC THE HEDGEHO– Er, nope, it's an alien. Holy SH*T IT'S AN ALIEN.

Raditz: [sets foot down] Finally, on this dead plan– [birds chirp] Wait. What the crap? Did Kakarot screw this up? Oh goddammit I knew we should have sent Turles.

Farmer: Better think of something cool to say to make him stop. [cocks gun] HEY YOU! [thinking] Geeze, farmer, geeze.

Raditz: Aww look at him; he thinks he's people. What's your power level, little human? Five, huh?

Farmer: Protect me, gun! [shoots]

Raditz: [catches the bullet] HEY, NO. BAD HUMAN. [flicks the bullet at the farmer and it goes through him and the truck]

Farmer: [unintelligible noises]

Raditz: BAD. Now get back up and tell me you're sorry. Human? Humaaaan. [sighs] So this is why dad said I couldn't keep a pool.

[intro theme]

Piccolo: GOOD OLD WASTELAND. Yup. Sure is some kickass training. Dammit I'm lonely. Might as well check MySpace. No new comments, no friend requests… Dammit… Well, at least I have you, Tom. You're always there for me.

Raditz: HEY YOU.

Piccolo: What the hell?

Raditz: ARE YOU KAKAROT? SERIOUSLY; IF YOU ARE, STAY STILL. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT KILLING AND SELLING THIS PLANET. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. [lands] Oh, wait a second; you're not Kakarot. My bad.

Piccolo: I've got green skin, pointy ears and a turban. Oh yeah. I must look likeso many other people.

Raditz: Oh, a smartass, ah? I don't appreciate smartasses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: DOUBLE SUN-

[record scratch]

Person 1: NO GIVE ME THE MIC.

Person 2: Huh?

[muffled fighting]

Person 2: Here, take it. I'll go practice my Vegeta, ass.

Raditz: Then prepare myself for my signature attack: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BIR– [scouter beeps] Ooh, a higher power level. [takes off]

Piccolo: HEY. What the hell? Weren't you going to kill me?

Raditz: Ah, there we go. Considering the average set by that one green guy and that farmer, the chance of this being Kakarot are… Dah, screw it! I'll just go check.

Piccolo: FINE! GO AHEAD! I didn't want your company anyway. Right Tom?

[scene shifts to Bulma in a helicopter playing Dancing Queen. she enters the Kame House]

Bulma: Hey, I'm here!

Krillin: BOOBS! I mean Bulma! Hi.

Bulma: O…kay… How's it going?

Master Roshi: I'm drinkin' OJ! Now it's apple juice! Now it's beer! Yay, beer! [takes a long drink]

Krillin: So where's Yamcha?

Bulma: I think the bastard's cheating on me!

Krillin: Why do you say that?

[flashback]

Yamcha: BULMA! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! Oh, okay, so it's what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? Before this, I was living in the desert. Oh, and have you changed Puar's litterbox yet?

Puar: I made boomboom!

[present]

Krillin: Are you serious? Yamcha? Oh that is so out of char– So you're single then?

[Goku arrives outside with Gohan]

Goku: Hey guys!

Bulma: Goku!

Krillin: Tail! Wait, what?

Goku: [laughs and waves]

Bulma: Goku, I can't help but notice that five year old you're carrying…

Krillin: Just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid doesn't mean you can go around stealing children.

Goku: Uhh, okay. This is actually my son.

[pan shot of Krillin, Bulma and Master Roshi being shocked with Shamalan shopped in]

Shamalan: What a twist!

Bulma: Oh, wow! I guess this finally means, you know…

Goku: Know what?

Master Roshi: You know, bow chika wow wow.

Goku: What are those noises you're making?

[Master Roshi and Bulma look terrified. Internally: OH MY GOD, HE'S A PARENT!]

Krillin: So when's the little guy going to start training?

Goku: Actually, Chichi is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be… What's it called?

Krillin: A responsible and productive member of society?

Goku: Yeah, lame; that's it! Hey, son, comere! Stop playing with that turtle! We don't need people saying things.

Bumla: Hey, is that a Dragonball on his head? Doesn't that sort of make him a target for villains that might want him?

Goku: Aw, come on; I beat Piccolo. I'm strong enough to beat anyone who– HOLY BLACK ON A POPO! WHAT IS THAT?

Master Roshi: What's wrong?

Goku: I just felt a power level bigger than… than… Krillin's losing streak!

Krillin: You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy…

Goku: [thinking]He's…getting closer…

Krillin: Shouldn't we grab Gohan and put him insid– Son of a…

[Raditz lands]

Raditz: It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you, Kakarot.

Goku: What?

Raditz: That's right; that's your name.

Goku: What?

Raditz: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet.

Goku: What?

Raditz: You…hit your head as a child, didn't you?

Goku: What?

Raditz: Oh for god's sakes, listen. You were sent here as a child to take over the planet. You're part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the Saiyans and, to top off this expositional onslaught, I am your brother.

Krillin: So you're his brother, huh? Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right? Right? [Raditz slaps him with his tail into the house] What did I say?

Goku: Hey, stop hitting Krillin!

Raditz: Why?

Goku: Because you're breaking Kame house!

Krillin: Yeah, stop breaking Kame house…

Goku: So, what are you here for? The Dragonballs?

Raditz: The…dragon's what now?

Goku: The Dragonballs, you know? There are seven of them. They grant you any wish you want. Like immortality.

Oolong: Or Bulma's panties.

Nappa: Hey Vegeta. Did you hear that?

Vegeta: Oh yes. We're totally going to Earth to get our wish.

Nappa: Yeah, were going to get panties! …I mean immortality. Immortality's what I meant. Right Vegeta?

Vegeta: …Just get in the damn pod.

Raditz: No. I'm here for you, Kakarot.

Goku: So, what are we going to do? See a ball game? Catch a movie?

Raditz: We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet.

Goku: Oh, well, uh… I sorta like people here. So, with all due respect… [Raditz hits him and sends him into the beach]

Gohan: Daddy!

Raditz: I'll be taking this. Yoink! [takes off with Gohan]

Goku: Quick, somebody stop him…

[crickets chirp]

Goku: Dammit Krillin!

Krillin: Hey! I was bitchslapped through a house! What's your excuse?

Goku: I was kneed in the stomach!

Piccolo: You guys are pathetic. [everyone is shocked] Wha-?

Goku: Aw geeze. Hey look. I know you totally want to kill me and all, but today's kind of a bad day. My brother just showed up, turns out I'm an alien and he stole my kid.

Piccolo: Oh yeah. I was watching that. That was priceless! [laughs] Sorry for your loss.

Goku: Yeah. Anyway. Wanna help me get him back?

Piccolo: Why?

Goku: I'll friend you on MySpace.

Piccolo: [thinking] Tom, you've been replaced.

[credits]

Master Roshi: Now it's a Nestle Crunch bar! Now it's a gummy bear! Now it's Nappa!

Nappa: Wait, what the hell?


End file.
